Being Bullied? Chill Out

Have you ever been bullied?

I have. A lot. Try being a socially awkward, tall, 130 pound 14 year old, with glasses and an unfortunate whiny sort of nasally voice. Throw on top of that zero fashion awareness, a comic book collection, 800 page sic-fi books, and playing Dungeons and Dragons AT school during lunch. I may as well have put out a flashing neon sign that said, "please come beat me up?!"

So how'd I get through it? A few things I think. Things like finding a small group of friends (or at times just 1) and not caring what anyone outside of that group thought. Or realizing that the lives of the 'cool kids' wren't any more satisfying than mine. They have their own problems, and, to be honest, mine looked easier to deal with.

But I think a big one, which I didn't fully understand at the time (or practice consistently), was that I stood my ground ... Calmly.

Something to understand about most bullies, they get a sense of satisfaction out of your response, whether that response is anger, fear, or sometimes even fighting back. Because they have dictated your mood and behavior, they win. Some people just get a thrill out if that. They may not even know that's why they do it, but they get pleasure from getting under your skin. Their actions have controlled your RE-action, and so they are in control of you. It's sort of a dominance thing. Like wolves. They are simply trying to be the alpha male of the school yard.

Note: Some people are sadistic and just like to cause pain. Nothing will stop them short of authorities intervening. There's no shame in running. These are not bullies, they are criminals and need to be reported to someone else.

Back to bullies.

Let me use an event from my adult life to show you how this works. (yes, bullies exist for adults, too)

Several years ago, I started a new job. There was another employee there who was not my boss by title or position, but he was more experienced so I usually deferred to his knowledge since I was new. One day my actual superviser gives me some instructions, but as I go about my task, the co-worker (soon to show himself as a bully) gives me differing instructions and undoes what I just did. We ended up with a back and forth, with me explaining who told me to do it that way, and him insisting I do it his way.

This soon ends with the bully in my face (literally inches) and threatening physical harm if I do not do what he tells me to. What, are we back in 7th grade gym class? Is this guy for real? Not even entirely understanding what I was doing or why, I fell into my instinctive response to bullies.

Several reactions were available to me:

1. I could Mouth Off. 
You know, get verbally aggressive right back at him. After all, who does he think he is? I'm a grown man. I'm not just some silly kid. Why should I let him get away with talking to me like that? I actually did this one fairly often as a kid. It never helped.

Remember, the goal of a bully is to gain dominance over their victim. I mouth off. The bully gets his response. He feels empowered. Authority chain gets established (even if just in his mind) and the situation continues unresolved or escalates, and the bullying continues in the future.

2. I could Step Back. 
This guy is literally inches from my face and threatening violence. The natural fight-or-flight instinct kicks in, and the initial desire is to back away from danger. The old saying that "bullies are cowards" is true, but that doesn't mean they won't throw a punch, and who wants to get hit?

I am careful in stating this, because I don't want to encourage people to get into situations that cause them harm, but remember, this is about control and dominance. In the example, if I were to back away, what happens? I show submission.  The bully is empowered, and the situation continues or escalates.

3. Gently Push Him Back
No sudden movements, nothing harsh or aggressive, just simply, gently apply some physical pressure (maybe accompanied by verbal resquest) to remove the threat to a more confortable distance.

There are Two problems with this. (1) By displaying your discomfort, you are submitting, and the bully is empowered. (2) Another possibility to consider is what adding or initiating physical contact will do in the situation. Depending on the tension of the moment this could put the bully on defense and most likely escalate to physical violence. Either way, your reaction was controlled by his action. The bully is empowered and the situation continues.

4. Preemptive Strike
Well then, if nothing is working why not get him before he gets you?

I would think this one should be obvious by now: The bully got their response. He feels empowered. There is no resolution, even if you 'win' the fight. You have shown that emotionally, they can control you. Plus, if authorities are involved, you "started it", so you're in trouble. Either way, the bully controlled your response and is empowered to continue bullying you.

So what do you?!

Nothing. Remember, the bully is trying to exert dominance over you. By manipulating you into a response of any kind they win. How does that play out?

Back to my example from work. I calmly stood my ground, even with a man yelling and cussing 2 inches from my face and threatening harm. Once he ran out of words and was just glaring at me, I calmly stated that he is not my boss and I do not have to follow his instructions.

Predictibly so, he got even closer and began a new tirade of threats punctuated by profanity and more than a few times insinuating that I have an inappropriate level of closeness to my mother. Again, once he used up his limited vocabulary, I stated very calmly that if it will make him feel better then he can go ahead and "beat my _____" as he put it, but it would not change the fact that he is not my boss.

While it did take several minutes of profanity and a rather uncomfortable closeness of a man threatening my well-being, he finally got the point that he does not have control over me, and with the customary "you're not worth my time" he stormed off. We never had the problem again of him trying to exert dominance over me. We both just did our job and life went on.

The thing to remember is that a bully is not seeking to cause harm, though they may occassionally use that as a tool, harm is not their goal. Their purpose is to control you. To get you to react, preferably in a submissive way. But even if they can rile you up to anger or even violence, in their minds, they win and are dominant over you (possibly even if you win the fight).

In my experience, most bullies are not looking to actually inflict harm on someone. They may just not know any other way but force to try and exert dominance. When their target is completely nonresponsive, they don't know what to do. Even though they likely don't realize it, their working assumption is that either they dominate you, or you dominate them. When you reject that idea and refuse to play their game, they will often get confused and move on to other 'prey'.

If a bully DOES use physical force, what do you do? THAT is a whole issue all it's own, and will have to be addressed another time.